"Tulip, every now and then there are things you just can't know."
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This article is a transcript of the Pilot episode of Infnity Train.


[The episode begins with an outside shot of the Infinity Train, then transitions to Tulip and One-One in the Puzzle Car]

Tulip: Why are you still on my hand?

Glad-One: What does that number mean, Miss Tulip?

Tulip: I've been trapped on this train for a week. You've been here your whole life. I should be asking you.

Sad-One: In that case, it will remain an endless search devoid of all meaning.

Tulip: [to self] Argh, it won't wash off! It doesn't seem to be powered by anything. Numbers are quantitative, they represent things, but this one just sits there like a dumb number getting dumber every minute that it sits there! This is dumb! I see you. [to One-One] The switch is a balance, One-One. You have to be on both sides.

[One-One splits up onto both sides of the balance, which allows a cube to roll into the hole.]

Tulip: Solved!

Glad-One: Yay! Yay us! Yus!

Sad-One: No, nus.

[One-One jumps down to Tulip.]

Sad-One: The next car will probably be a fart car, where everything is just a fart.

Glad-One: It could be a fart car. Is that what you want?

Sad-One: Sure. The stench'd be the perfect bookend to my misery.

Tulip: Oh, come on you guys. First off, do you even have a nose?

[Tulip opens the door and walks out]

Tulip: Second off, you said that for the last eight cars. It's just too unlikely.

[Opens next car door, revealing it to be the Fart Car]

Glad-One: You're right. I don't have a nose!

[Tulip runs out of the Fart Car, gasping for air]

Tulip: Aarg, gross! Why does that exist?

Sad-One: The next car's probably gonna be a Burp Car.

Tulip: [sighs] Stop it. Maybe it's a pizzeria that only serves cold pizza. That'd be creative, huh? [grabs hold of the door handle] Or it could be a way home. [opens door with eyes shut] Home, home, home, home, home, ho—

[Scene shows off Corgidia]

Glad-One: Wow! Is this your house?

Tulip: No.

[Corgi blows horn]

Atticus: I am Atticus. King and uniter of the Cardigans and the Pembrokes. I extend to you my greetings.

Tulip: Hi, I'm Tulip. I like books?

Atticus: Welcome, Tulip the Literate, to Corgidia!

[Scene cuts to them walking, with Tulip being surrounded by excited dogs]

Tulip: No, no, no, no, no, down, down, down. [picks up a tug toy and throws it] Go get it! [dogs run off]

Atticus: Please excuse us. We just get very excited when someone new comes through the door.

Tulip: Food dispensers, cattle to herd, gift to speech, you guys look like you're doing pretty well for yourselves.

Atticus: Yes. We also have a wide variety of vertical surfaces on which to potty. Can I interest you in a sun beam to lie in?

Tulip: We have to go to the next train car. I'm just trying to get home.

Sad-One: [while being rolled by a dog] I miss the Fart Caaaaaaaar!

Atticus: Well, the next door is locked. We have some theories on it, but—

Messenger Corgi: Atticus! Atticus, the river!

[Scene cuts to the river rising and destroying a statue]

Atticus: Quickly, Tulip, to the temple! The monster has returned!

Tulip: The what?

[Scene cuts to a shadow stretching over the sky]

Glad-One: Yay, shadow puppet! I can do an eagle!

[Tulip runs to grab One-One. Scene transitions to inside the temple.]

Tulip: What was that thing?

Atticus: I will admit there are some things I haven't told you about Corgidia—

Tulip: [Tulip says at the same time as Atticus] Like why there's a giant shadow monster?!

Atticus: Yes, patience young lady. Ever since the monster appeared, the water has risen and ruined our city. Even our belly rub machines only scratch our backs now, which is basically worthless. Everything is going paws up around here, if you'll excuse the language.

Glad-One: Let me see if it's gone yet. [splits off from Sad-One and goes outside]

Tulip: One-One, be careful! Ugh.

Sad-One: Well, looks like I'll have to start writing his obituary.

Atticus: Awfully morbid little thing, aren't you?

Sad-One: Yes.

Glad-One: [suddenly pops his head through the door] AHHH!

Tulip: Ahh! What is it, One-One?

Glad-One: It's gone! I'm excited! Ahhhh!

Tulip: [groans]

Atticus: Let us be on our way.

[Tulip crawls outside, but Atticus stays]

Tulip: Didn't you want to go outside?

Atticus: Yes.

Tulip: Outside?

Atticus: No.

Tulip: Outside?

Atticus: Well...

Tulip: Outside.

Atticus: Maybe.

Tulip: Come on.

Atticus: Well.