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This article is a transcript of the pilot episode of Infnity Train.


[The episode begins with an outside shot of the Infinity Train, then transitions to Tulip and One-One in the Puzzle Car]

Tulip: Why are you still on my hand?

Glad-One: What does that number mean, Miss Tulip?

Tulip: I've been trapped on this train for a week. You've been here your whole life. I should be asking you.

Sad-One: In that case, it will remain an endless search devoid of all meaning.

Tulip: [to self] Argh, it won't wash off! It doesn't seem to be powered by anything. Numbers are quantitative, they represent things, but this one just sits there like a dumb number getting dumber every minute that it sits there! This is dumb! I see you. [to One-One] The switch is a balance, One-One. You have to be on both sides.

[One-One splits up onto both sides of the balance, which allows a cube to roll into the hole.]

Tulip: Solved!

Glad-One: Yay! Yay us! Yus!

Sad-One: No, nus.

[One-One jumps down to Tulip.]

Sad-One: The next car will probably be a fart car, where everything is just a fart.

Glad-One: It could be a fart car. Is that what you want?

Sad-One: Sure. The stench'd be the perfect bookend to my misery.

Tulip: Oh, come on you guys. First off, do you even have a nose?

[Tulip opens the door and walks out]

Tulip: Second off, you said that for the last eight cars. It's just too unlikely.

[Opens next car door, revealing it to be the Fart Car]

Glad-One: You're right. I don't have a nose!

[Tulip runs out of the Fart Car, gasping for air]

Tulip: Aarg, that was gross! Why does that exist?

Sad-One: The next car's probably gonna be a Burp Car.

Tulip: [sighs] Stop it. Maybe it's a pizzeria that only serves cold pizza. That'd be creative, huh? [grabs hold of the door handle] Or it could be a way home. [opens door with eyes shut] Home, home, home, home, home, hoβ€”

[Scene shows off Corginia]

Glad-One: Wow! Is this your house?

Tulip: No.

[Corgi blows horn]

Atticus: I am Atticus. King and uniter of the Cardigans and the Pembrokes. I extend to you my greetings.

Tulip: Hi, I'm Tulip. I like books?

Atticus: Welcome, Tulip the Literate, to Corginia!

[Scene cuts to them walking, with Tulip being surrounded by excited dogs]

Tulip: No, no, no, no, no, down, down, down. [picks up a tug toy and throws it] Go get it! [dogs run off]

Atticus: Please excuse us. We just get very excited when someone new comes through the door.

Tulip: Food dispensers, cattle to herd, gift to speech, you guys look like you're doing pretty well for yourselves.

Atticus: Yes. We also have a wide variety of vertical surfaces on which to potty. Can I interest you in a sun beam to lie in?

Tulip: We have to go to the next train car. I'm just trying to get home.

Sad-One: [while being rolled by a dog] I miss the Fart Caaaaaaaar!

Atticus: Well, the next door is locked. We have some theories on it, butβ€”

Messenger Corgi: Atticus! Atticus, the river!

[Scene cuts to the river rising and destroying a statue]

Atticus: Quickly, Tulip, to the temple! The monster has returned!

Tulip: The what?

[Scene cuts to a shadow stretching over the sky]

Glad-One: Yay, shadow puppet! I can do an eagle!

[Tulip runs to grab One-One. Scene transitions to inside the temple.]

Tulip: What was that thing?

Atticus: I will admit there are some things I haven't told you about Corginiaβ€”

Tulip: [Tulip says at the same time as Atticus] Like why there's a giant shadow monster?!

Atticus: Yes, patience young lady. Ever since the monster appeared, the water has risen and ruined our city. Even our belly rub machines only scratch our backs now, which is basically worthless. Everything is going paws up around here, if you'll excuse the language.

Glad-One: Let me see if it's gone yet. [splits off from Sad-One and goes outside]

Tulip: One-One, be careful! Ugh.

Sad-One: Well, looks like I'll have to start writing his obituary.

Atticus: Awfully morbid little thing, aren't you?

Sad-One: Yes.

Glad-One: [suddenly pops his head through the door] AHHH!

Tulip: Ahh! What is it, One-One?

Glad-One: It's gone! I'm excited! Ahhhh!

Tulip: [groans]

Atticus: Let us be on our way.

[Tulip crawls outside, but Atticus stays]

Tulip: Didn't you want to go outside?

Atticus: Yes.

Tulip: Outside?

Atticus: No.

Tulip: Outside?

Atticus: Well...

Tulip: Outside.

Atticus: Maybe.

Tulip: Come on.

Atticus: Well.

Tulip: You wanna go outside right now? You wanna do it? You wanna go outside?

Atticus: Yes, I want to go outside.

[Scene cuts to outside of the temple]

Tulip: How long has it been like this?

Atticus: About a week.

Tulip: That's how long I've had this number on my hand.

[Atticus sniffs the number on Tulip's hand]

Atticus: Interesting.

Atticus: Tulip, the monster that terrorizes my people lives across the river. Alas, I cannot reach him, for the water is two feet deep, and I would surely drown. I want to enlist your help in hunting down the creature and saving my people.

Tulip: Uhhh... Well, you know, I wanna help, but numbers on hands don't really have any connection to shadow monsters and I'm not really a saving kind of person, I'm more of a... self-looking-ish person. Self... ish? Hm... huh, that is not the word I wanna use.

[Tulip starts walking towards the river]

Tulip: Anyway, it doesn't matter, I've got my own stuff to deal with.

Atticus: Please, Tulip! Those numbers on your hand must be related to it somehow.

Tulip: It's just so... unlikely.

Sad-One: Unlikely like a Fart Car.

Glad-One: Three cheers for Fart Cars! Hip hip!

Tulip: *loud groan* Fine, I'll help you, but then I'm out of here.

Atticus: Excellent. I must warn you, however, we corgis are a proud people, and we hate being picked up.

Tulip: Why would you need to warn me about that?

[Scene cuts to Tulip carrying Atticus through the river]

Tulip: [while Atticus is struggling and barking in her arms] Stop! Ooooh! Can you stop doing that! Stop wiggling for two seconds!

[Scene cuts to them across the river and traveling through Corginia]

Tulip: It's the door.

[Tulip, One-One, and Atticus start walking towards the door, but then the shadow monster suddenly appears]

Tulip: Look out!

[They all hide behind a rock and look over it]

Tulip: Wait, what?

[Scene cuts to spider casting a shadow]

Tulip: Awww! [grabs spider] It's just a little spider! Building her little s- [Atticus eats the spider] Huh! Aw...

Glad-One: Hahahahahahahaaaaa! We're grossed out, right, Miss Tulip?

Atticus: We've destroyed the monster! I thought victory would taste less musty.

Tulip: Huh, yeah. *gasp* So my number! [looks at hand to see that number is still there] Of course. Yeah, of course nothing happens! Correlation isn't causation, I know that. Oh, I want some answers for the first clue I've gotten this whole time! No, not allowed!

Glad-One: Miss Tulip?

Tulip: I could travel for years on this ridiculous train and nothing would get better! Why is this thing on my hand! I just wanna go home...

Atticus: Tulip, every now and then there are things you just can't know.

Tulip: I should be able to know. It feels like every time I find something logical about this train, it's thrown back at me and I'm stuck without answers.

Atticus: Sometimes you have to wait until something comes along [rolls over onto back] and gives you the right push. I'd all but given up on defeating the beast, but you were the push I needed.

Tulip: Thanks, Atticus.

Atticus: Now, I'm not just lying on my back for fun here.

Tulip: [starts petting Atticus] Heheh, okay. [Tulip continues to pet Atticus before realizing something] Wait. How could a spider cause that problem with the water? The shadow came from a work light, so why was there a work light?

[They all see a light from the distance, with the scene cutting to them in a bush]

Atticus: It's the beast.

[Scene shows the Steward]

Tulip: That thing must've broken the pipe.

Atticus: We should attack.

Sad-One: We'll never make it.

Tulip: Maybe we can escape out the door. [pulls out a pencil and paper and turns to Atticus] How do I unlock it?

Atticus: First, you put your paw on the handle.

Tulip: Okay.

Atticus: Then you turn it.

Tulip: Alright. [brief moment of silence before Tulip speaks again] That's how all doors open!

Atticus: My people have been working on this technology for decades!

Glad-One: Let's just talk to it [jumps out from bushes].

Tulip: No!

Glad-One: [to Steward Helloooo- [Tulip grabs One-One] wah!

[The Steward turns towards them and starts shooting]

Tulip: Wah!

[Steward gets up from position]

Tulip: *screams*

[Atticus starts barking and runs towards the Steward]

Tulip: Atticus!

Atticus: [while running towards the Steward] Corginia!

[Steward knocks Atticus away]

Tulip: Atticus!

[Steward turns toward Tulip and pins her down]

Steward: Return to your seat!

[Atticus gets back up and turns water off]

[Steward looks back at Atticus, allowing Tulip to slam the nearby door into the Steward]

[Tulip starts running, but is grabbed by the Steward again, with her bag being thrown off]

Glad-One: Miss Tulip!

Sad-One: Should I start writing your obituary?

[Steward lets go of Tulip and leaves]

Glad-One: Miss Tulip, what's wrong?

[Tulip looks at her hand, seeing it has changed from 53 to 49]

Tulip: Huh, I think I got my push.

[Credits roll]